My Prayer Tonight (that I'm letting you overhear)
Dear God,
Hi. Me again. I made the mistake of reading the news tonight close to bedtime. I know. Sorry. You've warned me about this. I've never really been great at following directions.
But here's the thing. I read the news because I'm trying to follow up on a story from earlier. A shooting. Another shooting. At a gaming event. And the first thing I wondered was, "How long until the first school shooting of the year?" There wasn't even a piece of my brain that thought "if." All my brain thought was "when."
There's no motive yet for the Jacksonville shooting. And I say yet, but, God...does the motive even matter? Does it matter why this guy did what he did? Does the why even matter at all anymore? Why do people do horrible things to other people? We've been asking this question since the beginning of time, since the first cave man said the wrong thing about another cave man's cave drawing. People do horrible things to other people because people are people. People are broken. People are beautiful, but sin is a reality in the world. People do horrible things to other people because they have the free will to do it, even if their brain is shouting in all of the decibels that this is wrong.
So I can't ask why it happened today anymore than I can ask why it will happen again. It will happen again because it happened before and the common ground on the gun violence conversation is such shallow water that most people don't spend much time there before they unfriend each other or just walk away agreeing to disagree.
I'm not against guns, God. I'm not against people who want to hunt, and I don't don't believe that owning a gun makes you a bad person or a part of the problem. I know people who have guns who are amazing people, and who are raising their kids with incredible lessons in gun safety and etiquette. I also don't believe that people who hate guns are "too liberal" or "misinformed" either. I think in our hearts, we all want the same thing: we want our kids to be safe. We want our schools, movie theaters, places of worship, and gaming spaces to be safe. We don't want to worry if going out to the convenience store to get milk is going to be the last time we kiss our family goodbye. God, I don't want that for us anymore. I don't want to bring a kid into this world (someday) and worry about sending her or him to school.
But I do worry. And it scares me, as I know it scares a lot of people.
So God, I just want to pray. I just to tell you that my heart is sick and scared, but that I know there is salvation out there if you just guide us to find it. I get that people are tired of hearing "thoughts and prayers" and we're hungry for action. I'm hungry for action. I'm dying of thirst for this to just be "fixed" but God, I don't even know what "fixed" looks like. I know you do, but is this something you could let us in on?
Actually, what scares me the most is that there may not be such a thing as a "fix" for what's happening. I admit that freely, that I worry that this free will you gave us will always put us on the side of violence. How long can I preach from the pulpit "love your neighbor as you love yourself" before the world actually changes?
God, that sounds arrogant. As if I can change the world. As if I'm supposed to. As if any of us are supposed to.
But aren't we? In some small way, aren't we?
Maybe. Maybe not in the way we expect.
I see marchers. I see people knitting things in silent but beautiful protest. I see posters and watch as countless people step up and do good in the world as a way to give evil the proverbial middle finger. I see love, Lord. I do see the light of love in the world still outshining the horrible muck people throw at each other. I see hope. I see hope in the fact that there are still people who find this kind of news heartbreaking and shocking. I see hope in the faces of my friends who know this isn't and can never be our "new normal."
So God, I guess what I'm really asking for tonight is more hope. Give me more hope that whatever I need to say and whenever I need to say it, you'll have the words in my mouth for me. Give me the hope that more people will be kind than will be cruel. Give me hope that love does always win, especially with you at the center of that love. God, keep me from being tired. I keep hearing about compassion fatigue. I've lived through compassion fatigue before, Lord, so I know you've got this covered. Help me to keep having enough hope to be shocked.
And please please please, dear God, keep my loved ones safe. I pray this prayer for everyone's loved ones, that you keep everyone safe and that those who find themselves in horrible situations know that they are not alone.
God, I believe in your hope. And I believe in your love. I believe that you loved the world so much, as it is, in all of its states, that you died for us and you would die for us again, but you don't have to because that one time was enough. I believe that because I'm working on being an Easter girl, not a Good Friday girl. And I believe in the goodness that inhabits people's hearts. Work in and through us. Change my heart, God. I won't ask you to change all our hearts because I can only speak for myself. So change me, however you need to change me. I know you're listening. I'm listening, too.
Amen
PS: Thank you for the sunshine today. I really, really needed that!
Hi. Me again. I made the mistake of reading the news tonight close to bedtime. I know. Sorry. You've warned me about this. I've never really been great at following directions.
But here's the thing. I read the news because I'm trying to follow up on a story from earlier. A shooting. Another shooting. At a gaming event. And the first thing I wondered was, "How long until the first school shooting of the year?" There wasn't even a piece of my brain that thought "if." All my brain thought was "when."
There's no motive yet for the Jacksonville shooting. And I say yet, but, God...does the motive even matter? Does it matter why this guy did what he did? Does the why even matter at all anymore? Why do people do horrible things to other people? We've been asking this question since the beginning of time, since the first cave man said the wrong thing about another cave man's cave drawing. People do horrible things to other people because people are people. People are broken. People are beautiful, but sin is a reality in the world. People do horrible things to other people because they have the free will to do it, even if their brain is shouting in all of the decibels that this is wrong.
So I can't ask why it happened today anymore than I can ask why it will happen again. It will happen again because it happened before and the common ground on the gun violence conversation is such shallow water that most people don't spend much time there before they unfriend each other or just walk away agreeing to disagree.
I'm not against guns, God. I'm not against people who want to hunt, and I don't don't believe that owning a gun makes you a bad person or a part of the problem. I know people who have guns who are amazing people, and who are raising their kids with incredible lessons in gun safety and etiquette. I also don't believe that people who hate guns are "too liberal" or "misinformed" either. I think in our hearts, we all want the same thing: we want our kids to be safe. We want our schools, movie theaters, places of worship, and gaming spaces to be safe. We don't want to worry if going out to the convenience store to get milk is going to be the last time we kiss our family goodbye. God, I don't want that for us anymore. I don't want to bring a kid into this world (someday) and worry about sending her or him to school.
But I do worry. And it scares me, as I know it scares a lot of people.
So God, I just want to pray. I just to tell you that my heart is sick and scared, but that I know there is salvation out there if you just guide us to find it. I get that people are tired of hearing "thoughts and prayers" and we're hungry for action. I'm hungry for action. I'm dying of thirst for this to just be "fixed" but God, I don't even know what "fixed" looks like. I know you do, but is this something you could let us in on?
Actually, what scares me the most is that there may not be such a thing as a "fix" for what's happening. I admit that freely, that I worry that this free will you gave us will always put us on the side of violence. How long can I preach from the pulpit "love your neighbor as you love yourself" before the world actually changes?
God, that sounds arrogant. As if I can change the world. As if I'm supposed to. As if any of us are supposed to.
But aren't we? In some small way, aren't we?
Maybe. Maybe not in the way we expect.
I see marchers. I see people knitting things in silent but beautiful protest. I see posters and watch as countless people step up and do good in the world as a way to give evil the proverbial middle finger. I see love, Lord. I do see the light of love in the world still outshining the horrible muck people throw at each other. I see hope. I see hope in the fact that there are still people who find this kind of news heartbreaking and shocking. I see hope in the faces of my friends who know this isn't and can never be our "new normal."
So God, I guess what I'm really asking for tonight is more hope. Give me more hope that whatever I need to say and whenever I need to say it, you'll have the words in my mouth for me. Give me the hope that more people will be kind than will be cruel. Give me hope that love does always win, especially with you at the center of that love. God, keep me from being tired. I keep hearing about compassion fatigue. I've lived through compassion fatigue before, Lord, so I know you've got this covered. Help me to keep having enough hope to be shocked.
And please please please, dear God, keep my loved ones safe. I pray this prayer for everyone's loved ones, that you keep everyone safe and that those who find themselves in horrible situations know that they are not alone.
God, I believe in your hope. And I believe in your love. I believe that you loved the world so much, as it is, in all of its states, that you died for us and you would die for us again, but you don't have to because that one time was enough. I believe that because I'm working on being an Easter girl, not a Good Friday girl. And I believe in the goodness that inhabits people's hearts. Work in and through us. Change my heart, God. I won't ask you to change all our hearts because I can only speak for myself. So change me, however you need to change me. I know you're listening. I'm listening, too.
Amen
PS: Thank you for the sunshine today. I really, really needed that!
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