My Tenth Ordinaversary

         August 22 was my “ordinaversary.” On August 22 ten years ago, I was ordained to be a minister in the Presbyterian Church (USA). Normally, the anniversary day comes and goes pretty quietly. Occasionally, I miss the day entirely but since this year is kind of a milestone year, I thought I’d pay attention. If this were a marital relationship, my spouse would owe me some kind of aluminum gift (according to a marriage handbook my husband and I got for our wedding). While I might pick up some aluminum foil later (I think we’re low anyway), the anniversary of ordination isn’t something that generally gets more than a passing mention, if that. But it’s been 10 years, and quite honestly, year 10 has been insane. I thought year 3 was crazy (that was the year of the EF4 tornado that devastated my town in Illinois), but 2020 really takes the cake and then some.

            I have learned so much in 10 years of ministry. I thought for this blog entry, I would share some of my learnings: ten learnings for ten years.

1)      God DOES give you more than you can handle. I learned this during the tornado and I’ve been re-learning it during 2020. The saying “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” is complete bologna. It is! And here’s why: because if we could handle everything on our own, what is the point of a Savior? When we are overloaded and have more than we can handle, it’s a reminder to let Jesus take over. It’s a reminder to trust that Jesus has got us, even if we feel like we are spiraling out of control. As Moses reminded the Israelites, who definitely had more than they could handle: “Do not be afraid, stand firm, and see the deliverance that the Lord will accomplish for you today” (Exodus 14:13).

2)      A sense of humor will save you. Ecclesiastes 3:4 reminds us there’s “a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” I don’t know if laughter is always the best medicine, but it is certainly a medicine. Every year we celebrate Holy Humor Sunday the week after Easter. That’s been a Sunday to remind me to laugh. It’s as Sunday to remind us as a church to laugh. Finding humor can be healing. It’s not quite the same as the Pollyanna Glad Game, but I truly believe that a well-placed laugh can be just what the heart needs. I also find I sleep better if I go to bed after something makes me laugh than if I go to bed after something makes me angsty.

3)      Self-care is not the same thing as being selfish. A long time ago, I heard a sermon on the radio that said, “Sometimes you have to go apart before you come apart.” I don’t remember who said it, but it has always stuck with me. That’s how my sabbath road trips got started, and silent retreats. That’s why sometimes I turn off my phone and take a bubble bath. That’s why I will sometimes sit on the back porch and just watch the birds. It’s not doing nothing; it’s the art of simply being. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t take care of anyone else, either. God rested (see Genesis 2:-3). So should we.

4)      Delegation is an artform. I have a terrible habit of over-functioning. The picture directory our church has been working on is a great example of how I will not even think about handing projects to people. I’ll just do it. It’s often mindless and I’m already committed before I realize I am overfunctioning. A spiritual directory I met once joked that sometimes we have to step back and give other people a chance to get into heaven. This is one of those lessons I think I will be learning and relearning as long as I’m a pastor. Scratch that: make that as long as I’m human.

5)      Calvin will not cry if you don’t translate every verse from Greek. A friend of mine is taking Greek this semester at seminary and I have these moments where I remember how I used to think I would translate from the Greek (and Hebrew) as part of my study for the text I’d preach on Sunday. But I simply don’t have time. If I was fluent in the languages, maybe. And while a good word study is necessary and I will do that from time to time, it is okay not to translate the whole verse! And if you’re a pastor who does that, kudos to you. But it is simply okay to say this is not on my list and I will study this text in other ways.

6)      If you don’t piss someone off, you’re doing it wrong. I am a six on the enneagram, which means I really don’t like to tick people off. It’s not really about keeping the peace; it’s more about fear: fear of people not liking me or worse, fear of them thinking I’m incompetent. A six on the enneagram also means I’m fiercely loyal and there are times when it feels like if I make a person mad, I’m betraying them. But this is simply not true! If I only say things or do things that keep other people happy, I’m not giving people an opportunity to grow. I’m not giving myself an opportunity to grow! So while I’m sure I will still have to work on my tendency to be a people pleaser, I’m also working on my capacity to say things and do things that I passionately believe in, even if someone else doesn’t like it.

7)      Shut up and listen. This has been an especially good lesson to learn in the conversations around racism going on right now. I am reading things, listening to things, and watching things because I am painfully aware of the gaps in my historical and cultural knowledge. When there are things I don’t understand or that aren’t a part of my experience, it’s my job to just listen (see also don’t overfunction). Listening is itself an artform and when we can listen, we can learn. When we learn, we grow. Proverbs 19:20 reads, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom for the future.”

8)      You have permission to feel. After listening to a podcast with Marc Brackett and Brene Brown, I read Brackett’s book, Permission to Feel. In the book, Brackett talks about how we become students of emotional intelligence. He writes (and I underlined this in the book), “My message for everyone is the same: that if we can learn to identify, express, and harness our feelings, even the most challenging ones, we can use those emotions to help us create positive, satisfying lives” (page 11). If I try to hide what I’m feeling and don’t find a way to express my feelings, I will cave in. It will be ugly. Journaling helps, but being honest with people about what I’m feeling is liberating. Being able to say, “In this moment? No, I’m not okay.” Or in another moment, “I’m so angry” or in another moment, “I’m absolutely delighted today” is liberating. We have permission to feel! And how we express and act out those feelings matters. Like I tell my husband, sometimes I just need a good ugly cry and I’ll be okay. I mean honestly, have you read Psalms?

9)      If you don’t know what you want, you won’t know what to do to reach it. I created a vision board recently with pictures that I printed off the internet. On the board I wrote my “Why.” Why am I doing what I’m doing? And then each picture represents a way to achieve my goal. My “Why” is I am doing things to make myself healthier – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – because I want prepare for Future Me to fully arrive. If you don’t know the goal, you don’t know what to do next. Without a why, there’s no motivation. It’s a work in progress. Paul reminds us in Philippians 3:12, “Not that I have already obtained this or have already reached the goal; but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.” That why is so important!

10     I’m doing okay. I may not have all the answers and I may not do everything (or anything!) perfectly, but I’m doing okay. There’s a motivational poster with a picture of a person walking and it says, “No matter how slowly you walk, you’re still lapping everyone who lays on the couch.” Sometimes all we really need is to begin. To pick ourselves up and just do the next thing (as Anna sings in Frozen 2). Do the next right thing. And know that you’re doing okay. I have no idea what comes next in 2020. I’m expecting giant frogs any day now. But I know that I’m doing okay and sometimes, that knowing, in my heart, that I’m doing okay, is enough.

 There’s a lot they don’t teach you in seminary. And there’s a lot you have to learn simply by living, because there’s a lot they can’t teach you in seminary. Or in any school for that matter. So, I plan to keep learning and keep growing. I plan to keep wondering. If I keep these ten lessons in mind, I have a feeling God will do the rest. And I if I forget all these ten things, God will still hold onto me. So happy ordinaversary, me! Here’s to the next ten years of ministry!