"I'm Tired" and Other Lies We Tell Each Other

 I’m sure you’ve done this, too: Something is going on in your life. Whether it’s a big something or a little something, you know for a fact you don’t want to talk about it. You don’t want to answer more questions and you don’t want to deal with looks that could be perceived as worried or judgmental (depending on how you’re feeling, one look can come with one thousand interpretations). So, when someone asks you if you’re okay you simply say, “I’m tired.” 

            It’s a lot easier to blame the quality of our night’s rest than it is to try and find the right word for how we’re really feeling, especially when saying how we’re really feeling comes with all sorts of baggage. If we say we’re angry, this usually opens us up to more questions. What are you angry about? With whom are you angry? Maybe you need some anger management therapy or at least some deep breathing exercises. If we say we’re depressed, we will possibly hear something like, “Well, you have a lot to be thankful for.” Telling someone battling depression that they have a lot to be thankful for adds a layer of guilt that someone already struggling with emotions doesn’t need to tack on. 

            So, it’s easier to say, “I’m tired.” Because tired is safe. Tired is a universal feeling we all can understand. Saying I’m tired means I can drink more coffee, take a nap, and get away with not explaining what’s really going on in my life.

            I know you’ve done this, too. Because like I said: tired is universal.

            But here’s the thing: tired is too universal. Tired is too safe. Sometimes we slip into the mistake of telling ourselves we’re tired, which means we’re disconnected from what we really feel. I’m not suggested we need to share every detail of our life with the people around us, but we need to learn to at least be honest with ourselves. A daily meditative practice for you might simply be sitting still on your bed and checking in with yourself. “Hi, self. How are you feeling?”

            And if you catch yourself answering, “Self is tired” then ask Self back, “Well, what does that really mean?” There’s something about getting in touch with how we’re really feeling that reconnects us our spirits, minds, and bodies. And since we’re supposed to love God with all three of those parts of ourselves (“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul” in the gospels or strength if you’re in Deuteronomy), it’s generally a good idea to check in with those parts of yourself.

            Feelings are feelings, and you have permission to feel what you feel. How you act out those emotions can have varying consequences, but feelings are not sinful. It’s not sinful to be angry. Paul wrote in Ephesians, “Be angry, but do not sin.” It’s not sinful to be sad. Jesus wept when Lazarus died. It’s not sinful to simply say one day, “I’m not okay right now.” 

            Sometimes acknowledging you’re not okay leads to bigger questions that you will have to answer for your own health. If you’re not okay and that comes with thinking thoughts that might be harmful to you or someone else, there are people out there just waiting for you to reach out to them. And if you love someone and sense that “not okay” is bigger than you think, it’s okay to ask them what “not okay” means. It’s a way we look out for each other. “Not okay” can simply mean I’m having a hard day and just need (from the Bowling for Soup lyrics) “some ice cream and a hug.” And sometimes, “not okay” is a bigger cry for help. 

            Someone asked me on Sunday if I was okay. And the truth is, sometimes I am. And sometimes I’m not. I will probably answer, “Just tired” because it’s easier than saying, “I’m feeling very tender about things going on in my personal life and in the world right now.” But I’m wondering now what would really happen if I said the truth. If I said I’m feeling tender. If I said there are some things going on in my heart, but exactly what those things are right now are not currently my things to share. Someone challenged me recently to try that kind of honesty, so I’m starting by sharing it here. I am tired. But I’m also tender. I’m also anxious because the virus variants are ramping up and I don’t want to go back on lockdown just because some people are being petty about the vaccine and masks (I know that’s not universal, but the people I’ve experienced are simply being petty about it. Very few people I’ve met have legit concerns about the safety of the vaccine). Maybe anxious isn’t even the right emotion. Maybe I’m a little angry, too. I also serve on two different antiracism groups and while the work is important, there are things that come up that make me angry. And there are other things, which is why talking to a counselor is a good idea. I will always advocate counseling, because with the right counselor, you can get the help you need. 

            Having the support you need for those moments when “tired” is the wrong word can make a huge difference. Even if you go to counseling just to learn how to ask for what you need can make a huge difference. 

            So, I’m leaving you with this challenge. Even if the phrase you want to say in public is, “I’m tired,” make space to at least be honest with yourself about what emotion you’re feeling. Name that emotion. When you name the emotion, it creates space to deal with the emotion. We’re usually pretty good about avoiding the emotion. I’ll admit freely when I start to get sad, rather than deal with the sad, I start looking at funny cat videos on YouTube. But if we at least name the emotion, we’ve created space to admit it exists and that opens up ways to face how we move forward. If we’re going to love God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength, we need to know what’s going on with our hearts, minds, souls, and strengths. 

            Peace be with you today in whatever journey you’re experiencing. Know that you are not alone.